Offer advice with the deference of humility, and do not presume to defend your point of view obstinately. ~Rule of Benedict
Several years ago, our family spent a year attempting to live out as many practices from the Rule of Benedict as possible. We did this partly because I was writing a book on the experiment and because my husband, Nathan, and I felt our family was at a crossroads and needed a reset. We needed to take the time to identify our family’s vocation and values and then align our actions. So, we set about incorporating practices such as stillness, silence, service, prayer, fasting and humility into our common life. Some worked, some flopped and some we carry on to this day.
One of the practices we continue is Mutual Listening in the kitchen. Nathan and I clashed in the kitchen for the first half of our marriage. He likes to follow a recipe to the smallest detail, while I prefer to read recipes as suggestions. Nathan goes to the grocery store with a list of ingredients; I open the pantry and make do with what I can find. He dices an onion with precision; I just chop it up. By practicing Mutual Listening in the kitchen, we each need to be willing to listen and learn. We do this by taking turns being “chef” and “sous chef.” The primary rule of this Mutual Listening practice was that the sous chef could not critique the chef’s directions, recipe or technique and that the chef would not be defensive if the sous chef asked questions for clarification. Instead, each person committed to assume goodwill from the other, chopping, stirring, leading and following from a place of love instead of defensiveness. It took about six months of intentional practice to build the muscles of humility and trust needed to cook side by side as equals, but transformation happened. Funny how that works.
For Reflection
What relationships in your life—at home, church and work—could benefit from an intentional practice of Mutual Listening?
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